The Teen Years

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The teen years pose some of the most difficult challenges for families. Teenagers, dealing with hormone changes and an ever-complex world, may feel that no one can understand their feelings, especially parents. As a result, the teen may feel angry, alone and confused while facing complicated issues about identity, peers, sexual behavior, drinking and drugs.

Parents may be frustrated and angry that the teen seems to no longer respond to parental authority. Methods of discipline that worked well in earlier years may no longer have an effect. And, parents may feel frightened and helpless about the choices their teen is making.

As a result, the teen years are ripe for producing conflict in the family. Typical areas of parent-teen conflict may include:

• disputes over the teen's curfew;
• the teen's choice of friends;
• spending time with the family versus with peers;
• school and work performance;
• cars and driving privileges;
• dating and sexuality;
• clothing, hair styles and makeup;
• self destructive behaviors such as smoking, drinking and using drugs.

Dealing with the issues of adolescence can be trying for all concerned. But families are generally successful at helping their children accomplish the developmental goals of the teen years -- reducing dependence on parents, while becoming increasingly responsible and independent.

However, there are a number of warning signs that things are not going well and that the family may want to seek outside help. These include aggressive behavior or violence by the teen, drug or alcohol abuse, promiscuity, school truancy, brushes with the law or runaway behavior. Likewise, if a parent is resorting to hitting or other violent behavior in an attempt to maintain discipline, this is a strong danger sign.

Developmental Assets to Encourage in Youth

What if you had the opportunity to positively change the life of one young person? Would you take it? What if you were told that you are already doing things to create that change, but you can learn ways to do them more intentionally? Would you be interested? Helping adults to recognize the power they have to impact children's lives for the better is the driving force behind the Search Institute's 40 Developmental Assets framework. Click here (http://www.search-institute.org/) to learn more about the Search Institute and the research behind "asset-building."

Link to a list of the 40 Developmental Assets (English) (Spanish)

Read about ways to help build your child's assets

Communication Tips for Parents

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Be available for your children

• Notice times when your kids are most likely to talk--for example, at bedtime, before dinner, in the car--and be available.
• Start the conversation; it lets your kids know you care about what's happening in their lives.
• Find time each week for a one-on-one activity with each child, and avoid scheduling other activities during that time.
• Learn about your children's interests--for example, favorite music and activities--and show interest in them.
• Initiate conversations by sharing what you have been thinking about rather than beginning a conversation with a question.

Let your kids know you're listening

• When your children are talking about concerns, stop whatever you are doing and listen.
• Express interest in what they are saying without being intrusive.
• Listen to their point of view, even if it's difficult to hear.
• Let them complete their point before you respond.
• Repeat what you heard them say to ensure that you understand them correctly.

Respond in a way your children will hear

• Soften strong reactions; kids will tune you out if you appear angry or defensive.
• Express your opinion without putting down theirs; acknowledge that it's okay to disagree.
• Resist arguing about who is right. Instead say, "I know you disagree with me, but this is what I think."
• Focus on your child's feelings rather than your own during your conversation.

Remember:

• Ask your children what they may want or need from you in a conversation, such as advice, simply listening, help in dealing with feelings, or help solving a problem.
• Kids learn by imitating. Most often, they will follow your lead in how they deal with anger, solve problems, and work through difficult feelings.
• Talk to your children--don't lecture, criticize, threaten, or say hurtful things.
• Kids learn from their own choices. As long as the consequences are not dangerous, don't feel you have to step in.
• Realize your children may test you by telling you a small part of what is bothering them. Listen carefully to what they say, encourage them to talk, and they may share the rest of the story.

Parenting is hard work. Listening and talking is the key to a healthy connection between you and your children. But parenting is hard work and maintaining a good connection with teens can be challenging, especially since parents are dealing with many other pressures. If you are having problems over an extended period of time, you might want to consider consulting with a mental health professional to find out how they can help.

Special thanks to:
Dr. Molly Brunk, Center for Public Policy, Virginia Commonwealth University
Dr. Jana Martin, Psychology Regional Network, Los Angeles, California
Dr. Nancy Molitor, Northwestern Health Care, Evanston, Illinois
Dr. Janis Sanchez-Hucles, Old Dominion University, Norfolk, Virginia

Defining Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships

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As pre-teens enter the world of more complex and intimate relationships, it is important to define what determines a healthy, versus an unhealthy, relationship. Why does the difference between these two types of relationships matter to parents and young people?

You can raise sons who are strong, tough and powerful, but who recognize that those qualities are never expressed through violence, abuse or maltreatment of others.You can also raise daughters who are strong, tough and powerful and who are confident that they should be treated in respectful ways that never include violence, abuse or maltreatment. Studies have shown that aspects of domestic violence can appear long before anyone is married or even going steady. So it is critical to help your kids learn early what constitutes healthy versus unhealthy relationships.

A healthy relationship has open and honest communication and an even playing field on which partners share power and control over decisions.

An unhealthy relationship has an imbalance in which one partner tries to exercise control and power over the other through threats, emotional abuse and physical abuse. At its most extreme, an unhealthy relationship can include name-calling and insults, withholding of money or other resources, threats to isolate a person from friends and family, coercion, violent acts, stalking and significant physical injury. The outcome of growing and learning through open communication is the development of strong, emotionally complete men and women who are interested in and capable of having healthy relationships. The following guidelines provide insight into the characteristics of people in healthy relationships.

A strong woman is someone who:

• is willing and able to make decisions about her activities, her future and her family.
• speaks her mind in a relationship.
• refuses to do things that make her uncomfortable.
• expects people to treat her with respect and affection even when they are angry or disappointed.
• expects equal relationships where partners take turns giving and getting from each other.
• expects that any and all sexual behavior is consensual.
• knows that destructive relationships hurt her self-esteem and mental and physical well-being.
• knows that any violence is unacceptable.

A strong man is someone who:

• respects others and doesn't try to control them.
• participates in discussions and negotiations and does not feel threatened when his partner voices opinions that are different from his own.
• compromises and realizes that he doesn't lose power or status if his way isn't followed.
• doesn't resort to threats, insults or violence to get his way.
• knows that "no" means no, and doesn't force sexual contact.
• can confront feelings of anger and frustration without taking them out on somebody else.
• recognizes that he may be physically stronger than others, but doesn't use that strength to hurt.
• accepts an equal share of the responsibility for the work needed to keep a relationship healthy.
• knows that any violence is unacceptable.

What Makes Kids Care? Teaching Gentleness in a Violent World

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In a world where violence and cruelty seem to be common and almost acceptable, many parents wonder what they can do to help their children to become kinder and gentler--to develop a sense of caring and compassion for others. Raising kids who care isn't a solution to violence by itself, but it's reasonable to worry that being exposed to a lot of violence -- whether it's on television or on the streets -- could make your children hard and uncaring.

Parents, of course, can't completely control all the things that affect their children's lives. After all, children spend a lot of time out in the 'real world,' which can often be harsh, uncaring, or just plain unhappy. And children have their own personalities and characteristics that parents can't change or control. But there are some things that a parent can do to encourage their children to become caring, fair, and responsible.

People sometimes think that children don't really see the outside world -- or other people -- the way adults do, that they only view the world from their own eyes and in their own way. But is this true?

Researchers used to believe that a sense of real caring about others only came as people grow into adulthood. But now studies are finding that children can show signs of empathy and concern from a very early age. They react with concern when they see unhappiness, wanting to help or fix the problem. And one study found that teenagers who were involved in helping others felt very positive about their lives and had high hopes for their own futures.

The most important thing you as a parent can do is to let your children know how much it means to you that they behave with kindness and responsibility. When you see your child doing something that you think is thoughtless or cruel, you should let them know right away that you don't want them doing that. Speak to your child firmly and honestly, and keep your focus on the act, not on the child personally -- something along the lines of 'What you did is not very nice' rather than 'YOU are not very nice.'

This emotional reaction needs to be accompanied by information--some explanation of why you disapprove--for example, 'Look, Joey is crying. He's crying because you took his toy away. That wasn't a very nice thing to do!' or 'It hurts the cat when you do that; that's why he scratched you. It isn't kind, and I don't want you to do that any more!' It's important to let children know how deeply you feel about their behavior toward others. If they see that you have a real emotional commitment to something, it's more likely that the issue will become important to them, too.

Be frank, honest and upfront with your kids about what kind of behavior you do and don't like. Keep your comments short and to the point; the idea is to teach them, not to make them feel guilty.

According to another study there are two kinds of parental role modeling that help teach children to be caring: kindness to others and kindness to the child. In other words, our actions speak louder than words.

If you are consistently caring and compassionate, it's more likely that your children will be, too. Children watch their parents, and other adults, for clues on how to behave.

Keep in mind that if you say one thing and do another, your children will pay a lot more attention to what you do. The old warning 'Do as I say, not as I do' simply does not work, particularly when it comes to teaching about caring.

Try to surround your children with other people who are kind and caring, so that they have several role models. If you treat your children with respect for their dignity, concern, and regard for their achievements, you help them understand that all living creatures should be treated with dignity and concern.

Parents understandably worry that their effort at home could be undermined by outside influences such as their children's friends, daily violence in their own neighborhoods, television shows and movies, or a culture that exalts 'heroes' who are selfish.

Here are a few things that you can do to help counteract these influences:

• Give them books that promote compassionate behavior. Keep in mind, though, that kids -- especially teenagers -- don't like characters who are 'goody-two-shoes,' so look for books about ordinary characters who perform acts of caring and concern.
• A study at the National Institute of Mental Health found that children who tend to imitate behavior they see on television. For this reason, you may want to limit their viewing of violent programs and encourage them to watch shows that promote ideas about caring and helping.
• Find out about the movies your children want to see. Are they excessively violent? Do they glamorize criminals or people who get ahead at the expense of others? Do they glorify violence to people or animals? You can't shield your children from everything, but a little discussion can go a long way. Ask them to think about what they saw and to consider other approaches the characters might have taken.
• Educate your children about famous altruists. Local museums can provide an inexpensive and enjoyable way to do this, as can television specials and books. Talk to them and find out who they admire, and why.

Another thing you can do is try to find organized ways for your children to get involved. Let them know about places in the community where they can volunteer, and encourage them to join. Many volunteer organizations and churches have special programs for young people and even for children.

Some parents whose children are confronted with the harsher realities in everyday life may wonder whether it's a good idea to let them see even more suffering and distress. Other parents may worry that exposing kids to a harder side of life than they've seen before could traumatize the children.

These are understandable concerns, and according to some experts, there are cases where children have become overly sensitive to the suffering of others. This is particularly true of children who are already emotionally fragile. Not all giving is healthy for the giver; if a child starts placing the needs of others above his own, this could be a sign that perhaps he or she is giving too much.

What most inspires a child to grow up caring about others is the caring that the child receives. That nurturing is itself a perfect role model for children. Experts point out that when children feel they have a secure base at home, they're more likely to venture out and pay attention to others. It's when they feel deprived of love and nurturing that they focus too much on themselves and their own needs.